10/21 - Day 12

Goal: 5 easy
Actual: 5 inconsistent
Miles for week: 24.5

Notes:
Just like in any relationship, there comes a time in running when the first flush of excitement wears off and you are left with the daily ups and downs of a shared life together. Little things start to get on the nerves a little more. Those expensive gifts you bought aren't appreciated or used, you can't find clean socks, expectations start to build.

OK, things are starting to break down a little - Right knee, left hamstring, inside of left instep. My run in the evening was not the peaceful, relaxing, reflective time I was expecting. I started off from runtex feeling a little worn from a long day of teaching, advising, and meetings, but was looking forward to some me time on the trail.

As I ran out of the parking lot and down to the trail, I looked to my left under the 1st street bridge and saw some guy running towards me with a fairly good pace. I hate being passed on the trail. I had a decision to make - To run in the same direction as this guy (turn right and run east towards Congress Ave first), or turn west and not get caught up in a faster pace.

This is perhaps the moment for some introspection. As a previously competitive road runner in town, I had some major external validation of my worth tied up in not being passed on the trail. I
got some power and self-efficacy from running well, and my street cred was at stake anytime some fool tried to pass me. That seems to be a common theme among many who race. They don't want to be beaten. Ever.

As I have grown (both in years and experience), I recognize both the positive and negative value of this. But that doesn't mean I always choose wisely.

I turned right (Duh) and had to dramatically speed up to avoid the shame of being passed. After about 400 meters, I realized that the guy behind me had turned up the street towards Runtex, and wasn't even on the trail and that I was hammering for no reason. The footsteps I heard right behind me were actually my own.

Idiot.

At that point though, there was some other fellow up ahead with red basketball shorts who took the shortcut up the steps by the bat exhibit, rather than running up the entire trail to get onto the Congress Ave Bridge. There was NO way I was going to let him get away with that, so I continued to run fast to catch him and show him what REAL runners do...

IDIOT.

Needless to say, this run was an extremely inconsistent 5 miler.

I was not focused and I was not attentive to running my own pace, but instead was focused on everyone else. I chased down a few people, then slowed considerably after some internal dialogue, then got passed by someone else in the last 2 miles.

There is a life lesson in there somewhere no doubt.

Here I am not paying attention to that. This was from the Motive 1/2 marathon in 2004. The previous year I had done well, this year I was 3 minutes slower and was in a whole lot of pain. I hated not finishing as well, and was angry at myself for my lack of fitness and inability to handle the pressure of being the guy everyone else wanted to beat from the previous racing season.

I post this picture as a both a motivator and a warning to myself. I still haven't learned how to balance my natural competitive nature without attachment to the outcome. Any thoughts?